antikrist



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mood: The current mood of antikrist at www.imood.com



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Update

December 1st, 2021
mood: depressed
watching: archer
drinking: nyquil
temp: 42 F

I decided to stay on here for now because its the only thing that makes me happy at the moment and I really want to get into pixel art again. I made a teeny towers gif so go give it a look here and link me to your tower! Hit me up in the guestbook or chat :) find me on discord, please, I need friends really bad right now. a;sldkjfalskdjf im losing my mind

A not so cheerful holiday

November 30th, 2021
mood: depressed
watching: tales from earthsea
drinking: gatorade and nyquil
temp: 48 F

Suddenly got sick and had to miss my doctors appt (again) so Im delaying more health problems of my own as I get bad news from my mom. Due to personal reasons I dont want to express too much on here but I would ask good thoughts from anyone reading this, as I have already lost my grandmother this year and cannot afford to lose anyone else. I dont know what to do with myself so I probably wont be very active on here from now until the unforeseeable future. Im sorry. Stay happy and healthy yall, life is short.


Post Turkey Day

November 28th, 2021
mood: cozy
watching: what we do in the shadows
drinking: orange juice
temp: 52 F

Thanksgiving was nothing but chaotic and everything fell on my shoulders. Not doing shit for Christmas and after yeserdays fight, Im not getting presents either. Fuck it. So Ive been distracting my bad mood with pixels and finding new sites with hoards of new pixels. Been posting on tumblr more, even though Im this close to deleting my blogs because I feel too old and the new generation is just... ugh. I hate everything. Everything pisses me off. Move along and leave me alone. Welcome to my 30s.

Catfish

November 24th, 2021
mood: fed up
watching: beauty and the beast (1991)
drinking: coffee
temp: 32 F

So I was doing research last night about catfish and the different species that are in the freshwater aquarium community. I have one I adopted that is a mystery breed, however, I think I finally pinned down the species, Corydora sodalis and most likely a male. I also have two bandits, one female and one male and 4-5 panda corydoras. Plus the two plecos which are also a breed of catfish, one dwarf and one bristlenose. I've been out of prime for a week so their tank is getting really dirty becasue I need to upgrade my tank size with this amount of bioload. My plants are thriving and Im actually at the point where I can propagate and sell/trade the extra fern and swords. On another note, I started valium and so far I do not like the side effects, but at the same time it could be from weaning off xanax as well. Ive been having hallucinations and confusion as well as extreme anxiety. Im going to take it for a week and see how I feel after that then let my doctor know my decision. Anyway, I still need a name for my sodalis male, he's the largest in the tank besides waffles. Here's a pic to see the resemblence between him and another of his possible species. Fun fact: False network catfish are also so well known in Brazil, where they are from, that they are on their stamps!



Thanksgiving Menu

November 22nd, 2021
mood: tired
watching: bobs burgers
drinking: water
temp: 36 F

Been thinking about thanksgiving all day and what Im gonna make so I looked up the recipes and texted my bfs mom but so far it seems Im the only one whos willing to make most of the shit. Im a little irritated about the whole thing, all she got was a breast and green beans. Like how do you have a thanksgiving with that? I come from the south and we are very traditional when it comes to holidays and cooking with your mom and grandma etc. Well I dont have my grandma anymore and my mom is 2500 miles away. So Im biting my tongue about not even having a family and yet I want to share these traditions with someone ugh. Anyway, here's what Im making (since it will just be the 4 of us):

1. Broccoli Cheese Casserole
2. Homemade Cranberry Sauce
3. Cream Cheese Swirl Pumpkin Bread (baked in mini skull pans)
4. Crockpot Grape Jelly and BBQ Little Smokies
5. Twice Baked Potato Casserole


Thanksgiving Shopping (ew)

November 21st, 2021
mood: cheerful
watching: harry potter
drinking: coffee
temp: 38 F

So the time has come, the holidays are here and I have to rush to the store to get my ingredients for turkey day. Im making a simple broccoli cheese casserole (my own recipe and a big hit at the dinner table so this one is a must), twice baked mashed potato casserole, my grandmas BBQ weenies and pumpkin breads with a cream glaze. On another note Im worried about my tank being overstocked and need to either upgrade my tank or get rid of some fish asap because the ammonia build up is through the roof and I cant control it. Its been impossible to try and catch these platys with all the plant life so I dont know what to do at this point. Here's some pics of my new clown pleco which we named Clown Baby from Its always sunny, ha.



Coooooold

November 18th, 2021
mood: blah
watching: last man on earth
drinking: sprite
temp: 52 F

Went to my psych appointment today and it went pretty well. I got to talk about how bad my anxiety is, how I cant find a job and what I should do about it. So hes switching up my meds to half my xanax and start valium for long term anxiety control. Im also thinking about opening my own store on Etsy to help sell my crochet stuffed animals. I need to practice my advanced crochet but I feel comfortable enough to sew plushies. Hoping this will drive some kind of income for me because Im all out of options. Im also going to stop (or try) drinking. I down about a bottle of sake a night but so far its been 2 days. Did massive water changes today on both tanks but couldnt get the platys out of the main tank and into the backup because of all the plants so Im debating if I should even get them out or just wait until I get my 40 gallon tank and dump them all in there. But right now its too over crowded and ammonia is through the roof. Oof. Other than that its been a depressing and overcast day. I miss my mom a lot and I need to see her soon before I lose my mind. Its definitely not hard being 2500+ miles away from my family but at the same time this is my home now and I cant feel bad for chasing my dreams to find happiness. I feel somewhat selfish but moving out of texas has changed my life for the better.

New Fish!

November 17th, 2021
mood: happy
drinking: sprite
temp: 38 F

I picked up 6 new corydoras, 4 pandas and 2 bandits as well as a clown pleco today. Heres some quick videos until I can do a water change.



Surprise!

November 16th, 2021
mood: excited
watching: g4
drinking: sake n vitamin water
temp: 38 F

I have more exciting news for anyone who cares to read these things lol. Im sure I will posts a lot about it tomorrow so stay tuned. Hint, its fish related! because my life revolves around my pets and aquarium keeping is extremely addicting. Update on the corydora, hes doing just fine and Ive been doing lots of research on their behaviour and so far he is showing signs of being male and even mating with my larger female (who we thought was male). I have someone interested in the 7 platys I have so I can take in more but I have to make sure that quarantine tank is up and running properly. My lone tetra who I gave to a fellow aquarium friend finally put him in with other displaced tetras and he immediately perked up and we are waiting to see if he will eat again. We both wanted to cry at how lonely he was and how much of a difference it makes when you know your breed of fish and provide an adequate life for it. Other than that I applied at a place doing seasonal retail (ew) but they're offering a $500 sign on bonus so Im definitely trying to get on there before the holidays. Also if you play WoW, its the 17th anniversary so dont forget to log in to get that achievement!

New corydora

November 15th, 2021
mood: happy
watching: dune
drinking: sake
temp: 51 F

Just a quick update that the new layout is up and running. Most links have to be reworked but Im happy where its going. Just watched Shang Chi and had mediocre reactions about it. So we are gonna try Dune tonight. Ive been trying to stay off the computer as much because I need to catch up on chores and my journaling. I also picked up my new corydora last night and paired him with my lone female, also a rescue. They found each other almost instantly and have been schooling together ever since. Im quite happy it all worked out, as he was living in a 2 gallon with 8 other fish. Its been cold and rainy here, just how I remember Oregon was when I moved here. Cozy and happy.







Holidays

November 12th, 2021
mood: feelin good
watching: the holiday
drinking: water
temp: 56 F

The day started off shitty and turned around to be quite relaxing, which is a weird mix up for me cuz its usually the other way around. Staying in bed all day and cozying up with my cat and blankies while watching chick flicks while enjoying my coffee with funfetti creamer. Im 100% in the mood for christmas and my bf will not let me decorate until after thanksgiving haha. Understandable but I want to bake, I want to decorate, I want to be happy about something. So Im going to the store to get some ingredients for chicken marsala and pumpkin pie with cream ganache in my new skull pans I got. Going to make it a good weekend with a nice homemade meal and enjoy this lovely cold weather and fall colors. I wish I could feel like this all the time but I know it will fade eventually so Im enjoying it while I can.

I can't breathe

November 11th, 2021
mood: emotional
watching: antman
temp: 61 F

Always falling into a bottomless pit of depression and anxiety. Does anyone reach out? Nah. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like a different person and I hate this life she's made, like a hell that surrounds her; I'm always on fire. Death sounds so quiet and peaceful, will you take me there?
I CRY OUT FOR HELP DO THEY LISTEN? I want to give up. Idk where to express myself because all social media nowadays alerts people who are suicidal or having suicidal thoughts. SO WHERE DO I SHARE MY THOUGHTS? Please do not be concerned for me but I need to vent. Ive been feeling so low these past few weeks since I lost my job and the past year Ive been slowly (or rapidly?) losing friends and family. I cant get anyone to socialize with me, start a convo, engage with me. My bf is the only one here and the weight is too heavy. Im gon be alone til its finished. I just cant handle the stress - no money, no comfort, no saftey net, no comfort zone, no security, all I have is myself and my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I feel too much, then Im left with nothing. I cry sometimes, but Ive forgotten how to express myself. Im drowning. I dont like the life Ive made for myself and I feel like I made a mistake along the way. Where is my life? my family? my happy ending?

Oh wee lamb

November 8th, 2021
mood: longing
drinking: water
watching: brave
temp: 33 F

Woke up early today, or on time? due to the fall back which is a pointless thing anyway. Been neglecting my personal journal due to blogging here lmao. I feel like Ive been stuck in this loop where I do nothing, clean, sleep and repeat. Having no luck with job finding and its hurting me not only financially but emotionally too because I just feel unwanted at this point. Of cours my BPD doesnt help me feel any better. Im literally losing my mind and the only thing that will help is to see my mom again and for my family to visit me here because I feel so lonely in that regard. I miss my moms comforting sympathy and undying love. I cant afford to fly to Texas again this year though so the holidays are going to be super depressing this year. Im just about to lose my mind but something keeps me hanging on by a thread and its because of the love I have for you.

I'll wait for you, thats all I do

November 5th, 2021
mood: alone
drinking: coffee
watching: my life fall apart
temp: 48 F

Nothing like being bitched out first thing in the morning for not doing enough dishes while Im at home looking for a new job. I dont know what Im doing with myself anymore. Where am I going with my life? Is it something Im happy with? I wont know because these answers arent for me, they're for you. Apologize all you want but my heart is still breaking and my depression and anxiety has been the worst its ever been in my entire life. Im this close to losing it and ending my pain. I desperately want things to be like they used to be but I know deep down they never will be. We've been through too many hardships and obstacles that go unnoticed and discarded. I feel like my emotions are being smothered by your irritable rage.

Feelings

November 4th, 2021
mood: contemplative
drinking: coffee
temp: 58 F

I dont really know where to begin so this is just gonna be a long rant/vent with run on sentences because my mind is so scrambled I no longer think straight. Ive been in a relationship for 7 years now and its getting harder and harder to maintain happiness and healthiness in our relationship. Im desperately trying my hardest to work things out and I get shut down and silenced so Ive just become immune to it now. Im extremely depressed and losing faith that I will ever find happiness again. On another note, an aquarium friend of mine rescued another corydora for my lone one so he can have a friend now, as well as 5 neon tetras to accompany my one. They were all living with guppies and a betta in a 2.5 gallon... I have no idea how they survived but not an hour after being put in a new larger tank, the corydora was active and swimming about healthily. Im waiting a week to quarantine them until they are ready to be transported to my community tank in which I desperately need to clean. Ive just been so inactive lately and distancing myself from everyone that Ive lost all my friends and I feel like Im slowly losing my relationship. It hurts. Every day, every hour.

CHRISTMAS

November 1st, 2021
mood: sad
drinking: water
temp: 54 F

Well we had an uneventful halloween so naturally I wake up and its november 1st and IM READY FOR CHRISTMAS. I am ready to decorate, buy all the food preps for the holidays and look up new recipes to try this thanksgiving. Im in full festive mode. Had a rough day today, relationships are definitely hard work and god knows Ive been trying my hardest and its never seen. So we went for a drive today and now its cold and raining and I couldnt be more cozy in my bed right now. Thankful I live in such a beautiful place, I really take it for granted a lot. Going through personal struggles that arent being handled well and I dont know how much more stress I can take. Meh.



This is Halloween

October 31st, 2021
mood: spooky mulder
watching: my aquarium
drinking: coffee
temp: 59 F

Happy Halloween everyone! Hope you all stay safe tonight and wear a damn mask if you go out! In other news, Ive been working on my website quite a bit and added more pages as well as an updated look to the overall site. Getting rid of all the halloween stuff and making way for Christmas! Yes, I am that bitch and I have been secretly in the Christmas mood since mid October. Woke up this morning and noticed one of my tetras swimming oddly - upside down and sideways - so I unfortunately had to put him down with clove oil because of swim bladder disease and a bacterial infection. I dont knwo whats causing some fish to die but Ive narrowed it down to the gravel being unhealthy and not balanced properly despite having 0ppm ammonia/nitrates/nitrites. An aquarium buddy of mine is picking up some rescued tetras and a cory for me to adopt this week. I need to clean out the quarantine tank and deep clean the main. Panda/Adam West is gonna be soooo excited to get a buddy. I adpoted him alone although corys should be in schools. Everyone in the aquarium group knew I was looking for corys for that reason but its been hard to find them in the valley. Im cautious about adding them to the main tank and I really want to upgrade to 40 gal but my bf wont let me. As for halloween, we probably arent doing much and couldnt even afford candy this year so another halloween movie night it is! Watched young frankenstein last night and stayed up til midnight to celebrate. Havent been playing as much WoW but I saw they got a new cat mount that I want really bad. Making a page to for my main and some toons soon! Until then add me on realm Archimonde as Rasbora! (Horde)

Im No Good with Titles

October 29th, 2021
mood: indifferent
watching: what we do in the shadows
drinking: coffee
temp: 56 F

Woke up this morning feeling kind of depressed after last nights "talk". I dont know why I shut down but I hate it. I hate the way you make me feel so small and insecure. Im trying and you are blind to it . Thanksgiving is around the corner so I will be looking at recipes today although I am pretty sure I will just be making the classics - sweet potato casserole, broccoli casserole, and pumpkin bread (all my own recipes). I dont really have much else to say - although theres a ton of thoughts in my head, I just can never get them out . I really need to see a therapist that practices DBT as soon as possible to deal with everything thats happened in the past year. I feel so overwhelmed I cant think straight and I dont know what to do with myself. I miss my family and hopefully my mom and brother will be coming up to oregon from texas for the spring. I need to make a list of things to do while they are here too.

Spoopy Season

October 26th, 2021

mood: festive

watching: endgame

drinking: capri sun

temp: 54 F

It has been nice weather here lately - cold and rainy!!! Planning on getting a few pumpkins to carve this weekend since halloween is already coming up. Bought a new phone yesterday also which should be here by friday. I have been shopping online wayyy too much but I have nothing better to do than sit at home because the job scene is crazy right now. Everyone is hiring yet demand too much of their employees to even work there. I have been declined for a receptionist job at least 3 times now because I am LOOKING to get my foot in the door with office work rather than fucking retail. Im sooo past that now. Unemployment is still denying me for some bullshit reason that I didnt provide work searching (I did), and that I got layed off my last job because of misconduct. WTF. They told me they let me go because they werent hiring temps anymore and I would be the first they call if they were hiring again... so why did it show up as misconduct?! I was literally the hardest worker there and I feel like that was the ultimate slap in the face tbh.I hope their company falls apart because they clearly do not have their shit together. Meanwhile, I have been trying to get an appointment with a therapist because I deseperately need DBT and communication help. The last thing I want is my relationship falling apart after 7 years because I cant process criticism and dissociating is my only way of not breaking down completely. I have been trying to work on it at home but I need help understanding my emotions and how I project them. So yeah, thats kinda more importantly on my mind. Having a website/online blog again is really helping and hurting me. I get to express myself which is great, but I also spend massive amounts of time on the computer and its starting to get on my bfs nerves. But I cant help I go through phases of obsession where I completely deluge myself into new hobbies. Gonna try and go for a walk tonight in the cool, crisp air and get some exercise with my bae. Time for hoodies and hot cocoa!!

Some Days are Better than Others

October 24th, 2021

mood: buzzed

watching: its always sunny

drinking: whiskey and coffee

temp: 59 F

I woke up this morning to heavy winds and rain and it was so nice. A comforting feeling as we leave fire season here in Oregon and California. I have been having a hard time these past few days due to personal reasons but I am proud to announce that I was approved into the Yesterweb webring! Very excited to be a part of a new circle on the internet with other people with a passion for web building and coding. I am already in the process of making a new layout for Christmas and Spring! Its been a while since I have been creating in photoshop, so that is nice as well. I absolutely cannot wait to start making pixels, although they are time consuming (as is this website). I have been spending my days mostly on World of Warcraft doing covenant campaigns and acquiring gear sets. Its Hallows End as well so I have been trying to farm all the achievements I didnt get last year - about half way done! I havent even started decorating for Halloween yet because I have been so depressed and behind on house chores but hoping to change that this weekend.




Relaxing in the Rain

October 20th, 2021

mood: cozy

watching: harry potter

drinking: coffee

temp: 56 F

It has been nice and rainy the past couple of days and I must say I could get used to this again. When I first moved to Southern Oregon it rained every fall/winter all season long. Now? We get wildfires until early October and its usually dry until spring. I am really hoping this year it will be different. We just cant go much longer in this drought, year after year. And while I have been trying to enjoy my day, I cant help but feel a little sad for certain reasons and definitely not feeling any kind of chores today. WoW has been down all day because of a problem with their servers so another reason as to why I am updating my site so much today. Sucks cuz its Hallows End event right now and its only once a year! I really should get back to my crochet pumpkins and decorating for halloween. I have been so out of it I dont even feel excitement for it and I am already starting to get presents in the mail for Christmas.
Missing my mom and grandma a lot today. Wish I could be there for the holidays when my brother comes back home and be around my family again. I am really counting on them visiting in the Spring up in Portland for a while.


Something

October 19th, 2021

mood: depressed

drinking: vitamin water

temp: 62 F

I've been glued to my computer screen for the past few weeks and I have really let myself and my house go. I need to refocus on finding a job but this damn depression is kicking my ass. Anxiety is so bad I can barely leave the house and nothing is relaxing to me anymore. I dont even like journaling anymore because it feels like a chore to keep up with. Every day is a blur and I keep waking up thinking something will change but nothing will ever change as long as I am stuck in this cycle. I am trying to find a therapist to talk to and work through some personal problems at home but no insurance and lack of mental health in the valley is killing me. I just dont want to do anything anymore and ever since I lost my job I feel like I gave up. I dont care if I talk to anyone again, I just want to be alone in the woods for a while. I feel like I am suffocating.


Coming soon

October 17th, 2021

I have been doing a lot of browsing here on neocities and yesterwebs discord enough to be inspired to keep creating more sites and goodies for everyone who visits. I decided to redo the theme of my website and promote only pixel related things as well as a personal flair with a blog of course, because where would I be without my writing. It rained almost all day today and its been in the 50s all day - fall is here and I love it . I cannot wait until Christmas when I get my new tablet. Ideas or suggestions appreciated down in the chatbox!

New Mount!

Meh

October 14th, 2021

I finally got my site back up and running after neocities apparently crashed and deleted all my info along with other users. Life has been nothing but a downward spiral lately and I am literally reaching my threshold of how much crap I can take. On another note I started watching What We do in the Shadows and I have binged the first two seasons in one day. Not having a job is super. I have decided to put commissions on hold for now because of stress and managing life at the moment has been hard due to multiple factors. I am pretty sure I will be getting a new wacom tablet for Christmas so I will be able to start doing graphic design again along with digital art and pixels. I am pretty stoked to start drawing pixels, which is a dying art on the web nowadays.

Busy and Overwhelmed

September 25th, 2021

It seems like I’ve had nothing but bad luck over the past few months all starting when my grandmother died. Since then I haven’t had the time or desire to update hardly anything including my journal. I’m shutting in and starting to recognize that I am withdrawing from people and my own hobbies/relaxation. Enough to try to escape it before I go down a path I will sabotage and ruin. I am constantly worried about my mother and her health - including mental - that is not being addressed because she feels isolated and alone. I know I am partially to blame for this because I moved so far away. I lost my job as well, and while I only worked there for a couple of months, I still considered it my new home and I was comfortable with the new life and friends I had made there. I am deeply upset and angry but with that, there is a blessing in disguise. I am gardening more and tending to my aquarium and catching up on household chores. Something I had severely been neglecting. Matt’s shop also got robbed yesterday which will set his family back financially and mentally - but I am trying to remain positive and thankful nothing of significance was taken. Matt’s seizures are still a problem and he has finally made a follow up appointment to have an MRI and EEG next Friday. I am up to my eyeballs in stress and concern for others that I’ve been neglecting my own well being so that I may help the ones I love first. I’m forever thankful that in this moment I have all that I want or need in a significant other, in a mother, and as a friend. I just need to take the time to notice the little things and appreciate them while they are still here. Alas, nothing last forever.

Happy Autumn!

September 25th, 2021




Change

July 13th, 2021

ive been trying to get through losing my grandmother, as her final moments will forever be stuck in my head. one positive thing that came from her passing was leaving me with a chance to really change my life. so from here on, i will be working my ass off to save up for this cabin on property in southern oregon that she will ultimately be helping me obtain. forever my inspiration to keep my wild fierce spirit and never ever give up on my dreams to explore this beautiful country with strong independence.

New Job+

June 30th, 2021

I’m really excited to start this new job at a THC oil company. Its full time so hopefully I wont feel so burned out all the time. I had an epiphany today and I made a promise to myself - to better myself and my relationship so that it can grow into a lush garden of happiness and hope. I’m really focused on saving as much money as I can so that I can buy a house of my own. I’m so fed up with this townhouse we live in especially in the summer because the AC goes out all of the time. Record breaking heat wave here which reached to temperatures of 117 F and there is no hope for rain for at least the next two weeks. It really makes me think if buying and settling down here is something I really want. I want the dream of living in the woods away from society and being self reliant and sufficient of my own skills of living off the land. Cheesy, but I can’t do it without a good partner and determination - both of which I possess. I WILL make my dream a reality because life is too short and I am the only person in charge of my own life, no more holding back. Setting my own boundaries. Critical in my recovery of losing trust in everyone and myself.

Trip to Texas v2 2021

June 27th, 2021

I just got back from Texas for the second time this year already. I visited back in February to see my grandma and this time to see her again and go to her funeral. It was very sad but I couldn’t be happier I got to see her the day before she passed. With all that aside, my family feels kind of torn apart at the moment. I did get to spend a nice fathers day with my dad for the first time in years. We grilled steaks and jalapenos while I cooked the baked potatoes and sautéed mushrooms and onions. I wish I could be there more for my mom but I needed to come home and take care of life in Oregon too. I’m hoping I get this job next week so I can have some money again. I want to upgrade my tank to a 40 gallon with powder blue gourami’s so I did a deep clean on my tank today. Found more dead fish so I think that's why I’ve had some die because there were a good few rotting in the bottom. I also plan on getting back on WoW cuz I fucking miss that game and my guild.








Depression

May 28th, 2021

My depression has been kicking my ass lately and I feel like I am in a rut I will never get out of. I feel so helpless, so small, so insignificant. My feelings are always cowering in the shadow of yours and I can’t seem to budge. I hate the way my brain operates and I wish I could change it in the moment. I need therapy desperately before I give up forever. I’m trying so so hard to hang on but that thread is running thin and I feel myself slipping. I feel like a failure and an emotionally damaged person beyond repair. I’m coming to terms I will never have what I’ve convinced myself I want in life. I’m settling for a lesser person of myself and I hate it.

Life Changes

May 25th, 2021

I applied for a job today that unfortunately drug tests, even though cannabis is legal in Oregon. Alas, my addiction is put on hiatus because I’d honestly rather have this job paying $15/hr answering phone calls than getting high every night. I’m pretty stoked, even if I just land an interview, that I have the potential to work this type of job and finally get out of retail. This could be the sign I’ve been waiting for and the chance to change myself for the better. I got to talk to my grandma on the phone today and it was nice hearing her actually ask for me by name and her telling me how much she loves me. I didn’t cry this time and I was able to talk to her until she started resting her eyes. I miss my mom so much it hurts and I just want to be there for her during this hard time. I challenged myself to get up off my ass and do shit today - I took a shower, did some dishes, changed the main tank water and applied for two jobs. Hoping, just hoping, that something positive will happen soon.

Updates

May 25th, 2021


Updates on the new painting. I’m loving working with oils again.

Going Through the Motions

May 24th, 2021

It’s been a hard past few weeks with my grandma slowly slipping away and not being there for my mom. She needs me and I’m not there. I feel like a failure of a daughter. I’ve been so depressed lately all I do is drink and smoke until I feel numb. At least that’s the goal. At the same time, I feel torn. I moved here to start a life, and so far I haven’t been focusing on that. I used to be motivated and strong, what happened? I’ve become this person I never wanted to be, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m at a tipping point, if something doesn't change soon, I just might lose my mind.

Weekend

May 23rd, 2021

Had a weekend filled with ups and downs, as they always do. Ended it on a happy note with friends coming over and playing games on the new xbox. It was a great distraction from the fighting and grieving, which is all I’ve been doing lately. I finally got my themes to work though, which I’m happy about. One step closer to getting a domain. Still on that job hunt, feeling quite discouraged from lack of work and responsibility. I did enjoy painting today though. My aunt commissioned me for an 8x10 of an old horse painting I did years ago but in oils on canvas. Cant wait to expand my portfolio again with some actual finished art.

New Painting

May 23rd, 2021

I started on my horse painting last night after getting my new oil paints in the mail. I decided to get a few things of yarn to practice on new projects. really am struggling to find new work but I guess patience pays off eventually. Updated my pixel blog you can find here. I really need to practice my horse anatomy but I have already opened commissions for a few paintings. Was pretty depressed today so I napped the day away because I didn't have any motivation to do anything, even breathe. Went to run a few errands and it helped my mood.

Commissions and Updates

May 23rd, 2021

Decided to delve into complete nostalgia today. I had a dream last night about a moonlit garden and I had my own field of knee high grass to lay in while my flowers bloomed in the moonlight. I feel like the peace before the storm. I have that gut feeling something, anything, is about to go wrong and completely out of my power. Despite that, I'm trying to have a nice day of coding and refreshing my Russian on duolingo. Commissions are officially open for oils and acrylics only. Click here to view pricing and sizes.

First Post & Introduction

May 23rd, 2021

Decided to make a main template for my art and commission domain. Hoping I can find a url close enough to antikrist illustrations. Officially opening commissions for oil, acrylic and ink paintints/illustrations. Practicing my html/css for the first time in like a decade so hopefully my themes will only improve. Weather is rainy and cold, unlike the past few days which have been nothing but sunshine. Created a new instagram here to promote my artwork that I will eventually attach here.