Ultrasound

May 24th, 2022
mood: worried
watching: my fish tank
eating: ham
drinking: coffee
temp: 60 F

Had an ultrasound done yesterday on my uterus and results came back exactly what I was expecting. I have polycytstic ovarian syndrome with ovarian cytst and fibroids on each one. I'll probably be put on birthcontrol (which I absolutely loathe). Depending on how bad it is, which I wont know until I speak with my doctor, I may end up needing surgery to remove my ovaries which means I will never be able to have children. Im absolutely devastated but thats life. Maybe thats why I never seem to get pregnant. Last night ended up in a fight with my s/o so that didnt help matters. Not only that but I have to stay home today to take care of him because he had two mini seizures this morning and I have to go pick up his meds. After all the tings he said to me, kicked me while Im down, here I am still, taking care of him. I just want my mother and to hug her and cry with her. Im not sure how to feel at this moment other than worried about all the shit thats happening at once and knowing it is all too much.

Back to Work

May 22nd, 2022
mood: tired
watching: bobs burgers
eating: carls jr
drinking: vanilla shake
temp: 73 F

Today was my first day back at work and everyone was really understanding of me being sick and calling out for 3 days despite us being super short handed. On my sick day though, I decided to renew my WoW sub so I started playing again... not like I'll ever find the time to finish my bfa flying lmao. Had a super stressful day but my boyfriend made it better in the end by getting me supper and surprising me with a vanilla shake. Time to relax and get ready for my ultrasound tomorrow, which Im not looking forward to. Ugh.

Sick Day

May 19th, 2022
mood: tired
watching: its always sunny
eating: everything bc im PMSing
drinking: water, coffee and tea
temp: 51 F

I had to call in to work today because my throat is so sore and im debating going into urgent care to see if it is strep throat. Took a covid test and it came back negative but im still debating taking another one at the clinic. Other than that, things have been super busy lately. I work 10 hrs a day and go straight to sleep after I eat dinner. Then I went and bought WoW again so I will be on here updating even less haha. If you need to contact me, please send me a msg on my neocities profile, thanks! stay safe everyone xoxo

Dream come true

May 16th, 2022
mood: excited
watching: last man on earth
drinking: sake and sprite
temp: 72 F

I finally got my new fish today, my longfin green dragon which I have been dreaming of since I first started this hobby 3 years ago. Its a tiny little thing, so tiny Im unable to sex it so for now its in the new tank which I set up this weekend. I dont know why I didnt switch to sand sooner! I absolutely love the way it looks and the fish seem way happier. I seeded it directly from my main 20 gal and ordered some new sponge filters to replace the one I put in the 30. Im waiting a few days before I round up the corys and switch them over because I plan on getting rid of half of them but I want to keep the breeding pair of pandas and a few rare colored bandits. I also got some assassin snails to eat all my ramshorns haha and hopefully take care of their population boom. I also caved and bought WoW again so I guess Ill be wasting even more time on there when Im not at work LOL. I'll update as much as I can but my life seems to get busier and busier every week.



New Fish

May 14th, 2022
mood: excited
watching: youtube
drinking: coffee
eating: biscuits and gravy
temp: 59 F

What a busy week its been but its also payday which is much needed. I even have 4 days off to bullshit around on here and go to the movies to see DR. Strange. Got to practice my hand at doing insurance last night at close and it was actually not as bad as I thought. Lots to remember like plans, deductibles, copays and primary/secondary insurances. Got my jeep back also and the new paint job looks amazing. My local fish club is having another auction and I cant make it because I have to work so Im super bummed cuz I was planning on putting up my tank this weekend. But I spoke to the admins and they are gonna keep an eye out for more plants and driftwood. Im getting a longfin green dragon pleco also which Im SUPER stoked about and 3 assassin snails to eat my ramshorns. Inspection went well, all they did was come in and take pictures and hopefully they dont say anything about the tank(s). Feeling hopeful for once. Hard work really does pay off and make you feel productive and successful. Hope everyone is doing ok - sorry I havent had the time to update as much. xoxo

Mothers Day

May 9th, 2022
mood: stressed
watching: podcasts
drinking: coffee
eating: bacon sandwich
temp: 45 F

Mothers Day was bittersweet. I got to call my mom and talk to her some, but chemo is kicking her ass at the moment so she slept most of the day. Not only am I far away from her while shes going through this difficult time, I myself am not a mother, despite wanting to be. It was kind of sad realizing I never get a happy mothers day because my partner isnt "ready" although we've been dating for 7+ years. Will I ever be one? Will I ever fill that hole in my heart, or will I live the rest of my life in regret? Meh.

All Work and No Play

May 7th, 2022
mood: drained
watching: talkshows
drinking: coffee
eating: bacon sandwich
temp: 49 F

Another work week passed me by in the blink of an eye. Its been a long and tiring week but I got through it and its the last weekend I have my rental car so I planned this trip to the beach to get away and reward myself for working so hard and then the property manager slaps an inspection on us for Monday. Ugh. So we have to wait until god knows when while we are busy cleaning the house up and down to prepare for an inspection we havent had since pre-covid. Hoping to god they dont tell me to get rid of my aquarium because I literally will cry and just give up on hobbies altogether. Im so stressed out its not even funny, Im not even sleeping as much as I should be getting but I just keep going on and on and on and on without a break. I wonder how long until I fucking snap?

No

May 4th, 2022
mood: livid
temp: 73 F

My mom almost died today. She had an anaphylaxis reaction to chemo and the nurse wasnt there, had walked away while being given her treatment. Im going to get that nurse fired and sue the hospital because that is NOT ok. She was a few minutes away from death. I had a shit day at work and it seems pointless now because I wasnt there for her. No one was. My brain isnt working and is shutting down, I am sorry but updates will be slow if at all the next week or two. Im just done.

Dusk

May 2nd, 2022
mood: refreshed
watching: bobs burgers
drinking: peach tea
eating: junk food
temp: 49 F

I didnt realize how long its been since I've written here, since I usually do it every other day - been going through ups and downs. Fighting at home, but the 5 day weekend was nice while it lasted. Back to work tomorrow and we just got an inspection notice so now Im freaking out about if they will let me keep my aquariums. If I get the landlords permission then its all good but we've been out of touch for the past 2 or so years out of the 8 we've lived here. Crossing my fingers cuz I will lose my shit if I cant keep my fish and/or my main hobby. I am absolutley fed up with renting and I really want to look into getting a house - especially since my mom just sold my grandmothers estate and now has the inheritance to move up here with me. I should be sleeping because I have a psych appointment first thing in the morning ugh.

Update?

April 28th, 2022
mood: RUNNING ON ADRENALINE
drinking: SAKE
eating: taco bell
temp: 50 F

So the past few days have been challening but I got through another work week. It started pretty rough but I seem to be getting the hang of things rather quickly and my coworkers are grateful Im still there lmao. We are so short handed we are down 4 people out of 7 answering calls, faxes and medical records/insurances for 5 (soon to be 6) clinics. Ive been super busy nowadays since I work 10 hour days I mostly just come home to eat and sleep and live at work, so sorry for lack of updates and such around the site. I plan to switch some things up soon though now that I have nice paychecks coming in, I suppose I might look into getting a domain and going from there. I cant really keep my eyes open anymore so peace, hope yall are doing well xoxo

Run Away

April 25th, 2022
mood: stressed/depressed
drinking: beer
eating: yogurt
watching: last man on earth
temp: 63 F

First off, I want to say that I am utterly starting to rethink this job. Its got me so stressed I just want to run away and scream in my car every 10 minutes. Its got me thinking about how little self respect I have and that I cannot keep repeating these patterns of self destructive thoughts because I dont have the spine to say something is too hard for me and that I just dont have it in me to continue. I hate how when I cant grasp something the way I *veiw* how people expect me to grasp, I run away. I do that with everything. I came home early only to blow off my ultrasound of my colon because theres a possibility I could develop cancer and I literally dont even have the time to reschedule because Im either always working or sleeping. I dont want to wake up anymore and Im losing faith in myself. My psych appointment is on the 3rd, thank god, because Im dying to speak to someone who will help me through this other than saying 'im here for you' or 'you can vent to me, I understand'. Ive been going to him for 7 years now and he knows me just as well as my boyfriend and mom do. He even refilled my xanax another 90 days in advance which isnt helping because I take about 5 a day now due to high stress. Hopefully I can find a solution soon. We'll see.

Toxic Behaviour

April 23rd, 2022
mood: defeated
drinking: peach tea
eating: waffles
temp: 39 F

Things havent been very good lately.. I have a lot going on so I apologize for the lack of updates. First off, work is stressing me the fuck out, my relationship at home is rocky, I can never get enough sleep and my mom is starting to feel weak from the chemo. I cant keep up with all the bullshit, I just want to lie down and die. Im so tired of trying my hardest and getting shit on. Whats the point. I have my ultrasound on monday and I still havent gotten blood work done so why even go just to find out I probably have colon cancer too. I honestly dont care anymore.

Milestones

April 19th, 2022
mood: proud
drinking: peach tea
eating: eggrolls and pickles
watching: its always sunny
temp: 50 F

Today was a big day for me at work because they are finally letting me slowly wean off training and had me answering phone calls. Anyone that knows me knows I HATE phones so it was a huge thing for me that everyone even clapped when I answered my first call HAHA. Anyway work is great and Im catching on really fast - except for insurance and billing. But everyone says that comes with time. Im so exhausted from these long ass shifts that I can barely find time for me anymore but next paycheck Im sure I wont be complaining too much. Then I can finally focus on setting up my new tank and getting my moms chemo/mothers day care package sent. Hope everyone is doing well xoxo

Moms Chemo

April 17th, 2022
mood: sad, happy and everything in between
drinking: peach tea / water
eating: asian salad and seaweed
watching: harry potter
temp: 60 F

Ive been having a hard time since my mom started chemo. She was feeling great at first but now shes getting sick and can barely even message me. I feel like a horrible daughter not being there with her but she says she understands that my job is something I need to focus on at the moment. Especially since this is the first decent job Ive ever had - she says she has proud momma moments and it makes me tear up. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy. Im hoping next paycheck will be decent because its the last one before mothers day and I want to make her a breast cancer/mothers day care package. I plan on getting her a mastectomy pillow to hug, some caps for her head, a cozy blanket, some inspirational books, prayer beads, and a nice necklace of a cross that says hope, amongst other things she may like. All I think about is her, the memories we share together and how much I fucking miss her.

Untitled

April 16th, 2022
mood: mixed
drinking: coffee
eating: birthday cake still lol
watching: twilight
temp: 43 F

Havent done much this weekend other than relax and take advantage of the fact that I have a 3 day weekend because I know they wont be happening much after my training is over. Finally getting a chance to do something with my new fish tank - washing sand and lava rock today if it will stop raining and being so fucking cold. I was supposed to go to an auction today with friends from my local fish keeping group but its unfortunately too far away and I dont have the time to set aside chores and errands. My paycheck was only from the first week so it was a little short - kind of disappointed because I really wanted to buy new equipment for the tank but it will have to wait until next paycheck. My mom is starting to feel the effects of chemo and I wish I was there to take care of her. I feel horrible Im not there to show her a little comfort and tlc. Still havent smoked since before the job - almost a month clean!

Work etc

April 13th, 2022
mood: accomplished
drinking: beer
watching: moonknight
temp: 40 F

Been extremely busy with 10 hr workdays so I apologize for not updating as much as I would like to but I just wanted to drop in and say a few things. Im really enjoying my new job and Im getting the hang of it pretty fast it seems. Wont be long until Im on my own doing calls and have my own desk. For now, Im just doing faxes, payments and contacting patients etc., but Im learning a lot and I cannot wait til that first paycheck hits. On another note, mom started chemo this morning and it went well. I wish I was there for her for support but I have my own life over here in the pacific northwest, Im just praying she moves here closer to me soon after treatment. Im also opening a savings to get a new car and hopefully a house in the next few years if this job works out and I save enough. They offer great benefits and the company is constantly growing so I have a feeling if I get grandfathered in, I could potentially have a really nice paying job in the coming years. Every day is a new journey so we will see where it leads me. Hope you all are doing well xoxo.

Snow!!

April 11th, 2022
mood: mixed feelings
drinking: vitamin water
eating: skittles and birthday cake
watching: harry potter
temp: 36 F

We got a surprise snow storm today in the valley and really made my day. Im LOVING my new job and Im still getting used to things but I feel like Im picking up on stuff really fast and it wont be long until I can get my own desk and phone/headset. My coworkers are all very fun and keep work light hearted and funny - a really great environment for me to be in. I dont even mind the long shifts because its such a dream job that I dont want to leave at times. Everything is real chill and as long as I communicate and get my work done, I can basically do whatever. Coming home was a pain in the ass today because my bf was in a bad mood and all he does is take it out on me at times. Like my birthday was literally yesterday and I JUST got home from a long shift and he decides to piss me off. Anyway, cant wait for that payday, should have a good check despite only working like a week LOL. On another note, my mom starts chemo this week and Im freaking out about it. But mothers day is coming up and I decided I want to get together a care package for her related to breast cancer and staying positive. If you have any ideas what to get, hit me up!!!

EDIT: also foxfable/aisha made me the sweetest and cutest gift ever!

Birthday II

April 10th, 2022
mood: meh
drinking: water/sake/whiskey
eating: skittles and birthday cake
watching: john oliver
temp: 49 F

Had a nice day today - we day drank and went shopping which got my mind off boots. Got some chinese take out and a ice cream birthday cake after we went to lowes to pick up some items for the new fish tank. Did a water change finally and the corys were so happy - my god theres so many babies. I even found more eggs on the glass!



Birthday

April 10th, 2022
mood: meh
drinking: cinnabon coffee
eating: taco bell breakfast
temp: 50 F

We had to put down Boots yesterday. She already had the death rattle so we didnt get to say goodbye in the vet for very long- she was too far gone. But she knew we were there in the end, she fought her hardest to stay alive. Ive been crying all morning because its the first morning where I go to feed my cats and shes not there. My mom starts chemo next week and has her consultation tomorrow so this is by far the worst birthday Ive had yet. But me and my bf are trying to make the best of it by accepting Boots is no longer in pain and is resting in peace. We buried her in his parents backyard and I made a mound of rocks with a tombstone that I plan to go back and paint her name on. Other than that we are gonna try to go to the river today and enjoy some nature. My next project is to get the new tank up and running now that Im not focused on a dying cat anymore. Ive been putting off the upgrade for a while now so Im sure the fish would appreciate more room and cleaner water.



Boots II

April 9th, 2022
mood: broken hearted
drinking: tea
eating: everything because im sad
watching: deadpool
temp: 48 F

Boots somehow made it through the night although I woke up around 3am to check on her and she was having seizure after seizure so I stayed with her until she finally stopped convulsing. Her heart rate is dropping slowly because she keeps fighting it. So we decided to make an appointment to have her euthanized today at 2pm. The vets were booked for the day but I explained the situation and they managed to get us in because I cannot bare to see her suffer another night. We shouldve put her to sleep 2 days ago but we didnt know she would hold on this long and we didnt have the funds. Thankfully my bfs parents are paying and we are going to bury her in their backyard since we don't have one and cremation is too expensive for us at the moment. This is the worst birthday I can remember and I am so sick of death taking everything and everyone away from me.

Boots

April 8th, 2022
mood: broken hearted
drinking: booze
eating: mt. hood trailmix
watching: marvel movies
temp: 65 F

I dont have much to say, I just wanted to update that Boots is probably going to pass away tonight. I was up with her all night and she has already started the "death rattle". She is no longer responding to anything but touch, which seems to calm her a little bit. Here's a few pictures I took today of her before she goes.
Warning: some of these images may be disturbing to sensitive people.






First Day

April 6th, 2022
mood: sad
drinking: water
temp: 59 F

My first day had its ups and downs - the new job is great and I really enjoy my future coworkers. I got to meet the CEO and talk to him a bit about the company and the growth I could potentially reach once I am employed there long enough. The first half of my shift was in corporate office so I wasnt aware there was designated parking and apparently I parked in the buildings owners spot and he almost towed my car without notice. I explained its my first day and he said I better leave NOW because the tow truck was on the way. So the second half was much easier and laid back. I went to administrative, which is where I will be working and shadowed my lead and got a feel for how things will be. Im very excited where this job will lead me to and I cannot wait to start this new journey. On a sad note, Boots is declining fast and I do not think she has many days left, in fact my gut tells me she will pass by this weekend based on her behavior. Unfortunately I will work 12 hr shifts and wont be home as much so Im concerned about not being here when she does pass because we have been really close these past few weeks. Better get some sleep now, another 12 hr tomorrow.

Pet Death

April 5th, 2022
mood: sad
watching: harry potter
drinking: water
temp: 55 F

Boots is nearing the last final days of her life and we are providing her with the best care as possible to make it more comfortable for her. She has been extremely needy of my attention and is losing her eye sight, and has already lost her hearing. My gut says she has a few days left at best and is declining really fast. I am very sad, although she is not my emotional support animal, she is still a part of our family when I first took her in as an unwanted pet from previous owners. Other than that I start my new job tomorrow and Im very nervous about it. I doubt I will get any sleep tonight and its a 12 hr shift so Im going to be so exhausted tomorrow night. Bleh

Drug Screen and Updates

April 1st, 2022
mood: relieved
watching: harry potter
drinking: peach tea
temp: 52 F

I passed my drug screen thank god! only one week off cannabis and 5 packets of certo later LOL. I start my new job wednesday yay!!! just wanted to share that and that Im going on a fucking diet. Life is looking up.. for now.

New Job!

March 29th, 2022
mood: relieved
watching: FFVII
eating: crumbl cookies
drinking: baja blast, whiteclaws
temp: 69 F

Well everyone, I did it. I got the fucking job! I had a good feeling in my gut and I detoxed for a week straight and so I went in for my second interview today. I left feeling all bummed I didnt get offered the job on the spot but as soon as I got home they called me and said they had talked it over and wanted to offer me the position! I gladly accepted. Not sure when my first start day is because I need to do the drug test first and background check but should be within the next week or so! Im so relieved I got picked from the other 75 people who applied having NO experience in the field. Needless to say its time to celebrate (while still being sober)! Giving up weed has been easier than I thought - probably cuz that paycheck is gonna be so fat. Thats all Im really looking forward to lmao, a job is still a job.

Counting Down the Days

March 27th, 2022
mood: nervous
watching: turning red
eating: fried rice and hot&sour soup
drinking: water, beer and vitamin water
temp: 68 F

Its been a nice couple of days since I recieved word of my second interview but I havent been doing much to prepare for it. Ive been drinking hella water and taking b12 as well as eating healthier to rid my system of THC as best as possible. Going to test the certo either tonight or tomorrow. Im super neverous for it and weaning off xanax, benadryl AND weed all at once has given me even more anxiety and insomnia than ever before. I spent $60 on drug tests today so hopefully the benadryl wont show up as methadone again since it has a smaller half life than THC. We had chinese takeout for dinner and I have massive regrets about spending so much today but w/e. Watched Turning Red today while my bf was out helping a coworker move and I actually really enjoyed it, as well as watching a movie for once instead of going to the same shows on repeat.

An Update...

March 25th, 2022
mood: depressed
watching: harry potter
eating: smoked salmon
drinking: water
temp: 71 F

Been fighting a lot lately and its brought me down a lot. We're both worn down from the daily arguements and I dont know how much more I can take. I got offered a second interview for the PSS position at a local emergency clinic so I will be detoxing THC all weekend. Trying the certo method (pectin) and b12. Gotta go buy me a new pair of slacks and blouse because Ive gained so much weight from stress eating. I tried to be productive today and get myself out of this funk, so I enjoyed the sun in the backyard a bit with my cat. Got to garden a bit - er prep for this years garden at least and did a water change on the tank. I feel so alone and I desperately need friends that arent my significant other. Hoping I get this job too because Im desperate for income to the point of working retail again. (I totally didnt even show up to that interview, oops). Overall, life is saying fuck you but Im still just walking along a path Id never thought Id be on. Such is life. Can only make the best of what Im dealt.

Early Bird gets the Worm

March 23rd, 2022
mood: accomplished
watching: deadpool2
drinking: snapple peach tea
temp: 73 F

This mornings interview went pretty well. She seemed to really like me and wants to do a second in person interview with a few managers in the next few days and asked when I can start! Good signs, yet I still havent heard back from them, so Im a bit unsure if they will get me in this week or next because they're interviewing up to 75 other people as well. Its tough to get a job around here, especially without the proper experience, but Im hoping they take a chance with me and I can finally get my foot in the door with medical work. I'll have to go buy some certo gel to clean out my system of THC but other than that Im excited. I have another interview with a craft store tomorrow morning that Im not looking forward to, but am doing anyway in case this one falls through. Always have a backup plan I guess.

Interviews and Drug Tests

March 20th, 2022
mood: hopeful
watching: youtube drug test videos
eating: garlic butter chicken with asparagus
drinking: water
temp: 51 F

I got an email this week from a promising job wanting a preliminary interview via zoom. Im really excited because its in a new environment, pays well and is full time with possibility to bigger job oppurtunities. Buuuuut, being a heavy smoker and applying in the medical field, I will most likely have to take a drug test for THC. So Im going to try the certo/gatorade mix this time with b3 and b12 if I do indeed get an actual in person interview. Until then, I have another interview at a retail place for a backup plan. Im excited to have these oppurtunities but very nervous about picking and choosing like a game of chess. I hope this will allow me to change my life for the better and Im very hopeful things are about to change for the better.

New Tank, New Beginnings

March 19th, 2022
mood: worried but making the best of it
watching: american crime story
eating: string cheese
drinking: coffee
temp: 47 F

Sipping my second cup of coffee this morning although Im supposed to stop drinking it as well as alcohol. My moms oncologist said that they detected precancerous cells in her biopsy so she will have to do 4 rounds of chemo in Texas before she can move up here with me. We are having family drama as well with my crazy ass aunt so everything has just been hard lately. All I want is to be closer to my mom because I am so worried about her. Trying to make the best of the situation and find a job so we can have more income. Sick of living paycheck to paycheck all the damn time plus I need a new car since my Jeep is no longer starting. Dunno how Im supposed to take it to the shop with a dead battery while I cant afford a new one. Cleaning up my new fish tank today and hopefully getting a stand for it this weekend if all goes well.

St. Pattys

March 17th, 2022
mood: sad
watching: ancient aliens
eating: string cheese
drinking: sake, sprite and tea
temp: 43 F

I dont really have much to say other than woohoo its a day Im reminded of my Irish ancestors and I get to drink more. Drinking more and more. My cat has been showing signs of nearing death, which has been bumming me out. Fighting again. Idk, I dont really care about anything anymore. ayyyeee, I'll drink to that.

Special Day

March 16th, 2022
mood: happy
watching: your moms house
drinking: whiskey
temp: 62 F

I landed safe last night after a stressful day of flights and airports and almost missing BOTH flights. Layover was a nice down time but I end up shopping at the airport shacks and spend way too much money. I told myself it was ok this one time cuz it was for my boyfriends birthday, which is today. I got him a sasquatch plushie, shotglass and action figure. Man Seattle really loves bigfoot haha, but I could barely find any orca stuff. So when I did, I HAD to have it. I got a sticker and a money pouch to add to my collection of bags lol. But so far its been a regular day for me, looking for work and cleaning up house. My boyfriend cleaned pretty good while I was gone, it was nice to come home to a clean house. We've been just doing it super chill this year, whiskey and fast food again cuz I need to go grocery shopping. I am just so stressed about not having a job or money and the constant drag of paying this or that bill. I just want to feel comfortable and secure at where I am in life. But things are looking up. It was bittersweet leaving my mom behind but she promises she will come up here with me next year after my brother gets off parole. Right now I'm just spending the day grateful for my partner and where we are as a couple. We've been through 7 years of ups and downs and still have a strong loving bond that continue to grows every day. ♥


click here for more on my trip to texas


Looking UP

March 9th, 2022
mood: content
watching: brave
drinking: water
temp: 53 F

First entry down here in Texas and I just wanted to update everyone on how my moms surgery went. Everything went very well and its already been a week since she went under and had her mastectomy. Since then the doctors are hopeful she has a 100% recovery rate as no cancer was detected in her lymphnodes after surgery. She is healing nice and getting stronger every day. Ive been super supportive on the mental aspect of losing what she calls her "womanhood" but I reassure her she always has options on fixing that and no one will look down on her for being such a strong woman. I should be heading back home in about a week, because she still cant drive completely yet. Its been nice spending time with the whole family but man am I ready to be home! Thank you to everyone who wished us well and prayed for her recovery - we appreciate it more than you ever know! The online support she (and I) have been getting is phenomenal. Its so touching to know so many people care. Thank you again, and lots of love - Kristin.

Hopeful

February 21st, 2022
mood: excited
watching: harry potter
drinking: snapple peach tea
temp: 38 F

This is will probably be the last update before I leave for Texas which is in 3 days but I just wanted to say that I am very hopeful for my moms surgery and treatment. We are planning to have her treatment here in Oregon after she settles my grandmas estate and live with me until we can afford to buy land with a prefab cabin on it. Lots of big changes coming soon. I plan on opening a savings again and getting a new car as well as looking into first time home buyers loans. Almost done packing for Texas and getting ready mentally to go on a plane for 9 hours and 2 airports. Im so excited to see my mom and even more excited for her to be happy that me and my brother are there for her as a family again. I havent seen my brother in almost 4 years since he's been in prison so it will be good to see him too. Ive already got plans for getting her a bouquet of pink spring flowers, chocolate dipped strawberries and an XL teddy bear to hug in case she gets self concious about her mastectomy until she can get plastic surgery done. I just cant wait to see her smile when she wakes up and knowing that the cancer is out of her body and she can focus on healing herself. I love my mom to bits and shes always been my best friend, I absolutely cant wait for her to move here with me!

Changes

February 17th, 2022
mood: depressed
watching: endgame
drinking: coffee
temp: 47 F

Been a while since Ive updated here, just wanted to let yall know that I leave for texas in 7 days and I likely wont be on here as much. If you need to get ahold of me then please use my email or discord. Going offline for now, goodbye.

I feel so alone

February 8th, 2022
mood: torn apart
watching: my life burn
drinking: snapple peach tea
eating: tv dinner
temp: 52 F

Ive been so depressed lately its really makin me feel like I have no hope left in me. I feel like my boyfriend is giving up on me, while I focus on my mom's cancer. I dont know. Im still processing watching my grandma die. I just dont want to go through that AGAIN. He's the anchor in my life to reality and idk what Id do without him but I feel like Im alone in this. I dont know what to do. I need therapy so bad before I do something stupid to myself again. Again. Again.

Depression II

February 5th, 2022
mood: hopeless
watching: my world crumbling away
drinking: water
temp: 40 F

Sittin here listening to depressing music, watching documentaries on how the world is dying.. and so am I. Don't know how much more pain my heart can handle. Feeling suicidal lately but hey I cant help but fall back to my old habits. I dont care anymore.

Depression

February 1st, 2022
mood: utterly low
watching: my life decline
drinking: coffee
eating: 90 day supply of xanax
temp: 25 F

Ive been so f*cking low lately I really dont know how to get out of this hole Im in. I just want this week to be over so I can be in Texas with my mom. Im sick of the fighting, Im sick of the guilt trips and gaslighting. I just want out. The only thing that brings me joy right now is neocities and all the support I have on here and with the yesterweb community. I feel like its my only outlet to get things off my chest that I desperately need to vent about. My mental health is in decline as I watch my mother go through cancer treatment, grieving the loss of my grandmother, and constantly fighting with my significant other. Not including financial problems and what the hell Im trying to make out of my life. Im at a point where I just dont know what to do anymore, and nothing is ever good enough. I need help.

General Bullshit

January 30th, 2022
mood: relaxed
watching: bobs burgers
drinking: snapple peach tea
eating: hot and sour soup
temp: 52 F

Been a pretty chill day hanging out with my boyfriend in bed all day while I journal and draw. Booked my flight to Texas this morning for Feb. 7th. Thats about a week from now and Im already super nervous about it. We ordered chinese take out last night because we wont get to celebrate valentines day together this year so it was kind of like our valentines date. My fitbit chargers came in the mail too, so I got to wear my fitbit to bed last night to track my sleep. Hoping this motivates me to walk more and get up to get my steps in. Cant wait to see how much I walk at the aiports ugh. I fucking hateeee airports. Especially Seattle. I'll try to stay active on here in the coming weeks to update about my moms progress but I will be super busy while taking care of her. In the meantime, Im updating my photoalbum page so thats been keeping me busy and distracted.

General Bullshit

January 28th, 2022
mood: pissed off
watching: youtube shit
drinking: coffee
temp: 33 F

Im so fed up of everything. My doctor isnt signing off on my meds so I have to withdrawal every month because of his lack of concern. Its like pulling teeth to get them to refill them same day. I finally picked up my crochet again though, its helped a little with stress but Im still very much out of it. Im deleting my social media and making a change in my life, a change I desperately need. I think being in Texas will be a breath of fresh air, being with my mom again. Im so sick of this routine I have alone at the house. Its killing me.

Anniversary

January 24th, 2022
mood: nervous
watching: your moms house
drinking: baja blast
temp: 32 F

Had a nice day with my partner today as we celebrate 7 years of dating. Didnt get to do much because we've been pretty broke but we spent the day drawing together and watched a lot of tv. Ive started bujoing again as well as my crochet. I got super frustrated with both of them though because its been so long I just gave up. Not feeling very motivated to do anything anymore. Idk what else to write. Im pretty stoned.

...and Hello's

January 17th, 2022
mood: longing
drinking: vitamin water - power c
temp: 50 F

Still waiting on my mom's surgery date and I cant buy plane tickets until I know. I just hope its not too soon then I wont be able to afford a ticket to see her wake up from surgery. Im very torn because I also have to worry about leaving my bf alone here with his epilepsy and its not possible for him to come with me as someone needs to stay behind to take care of the animals and work/provide income. So I will be traveling to Texas in the next week or so and staying for as long as a month to help her recover and be her moral support. Life is chaotic right now and Im having problems of my own that I need to see doctors about but I just dont have the time for self care. Man I dread getting on another plane but Im doing this for my mom, not me. Wish me luck everything works out in the end. I could really use a break.

Goodbyes

January 15th, 2022
mood: indifferent
watching: forensic files
drinking: vitamin water - power c
eating: jalepeno and cheese bagel
temp: 47 F

I finally did it - I gave my fish (azul and the bandits) to a friend who has a 150 gallon tank they can enjoy better than my 20. I got rid of some babies too, which was bittersweet cuz they are so cute but I couldnt risk them overcrowding my tank. Had to uproot all my plants, remove every decoration and even have one baby die from stress but all I can tell myself is that they went to a better home than I could provide at the current time. Just wanted to pop in and update. P.S. the eternals suuuuuuucked.

A Title of Sorts

January 14th, 2022
mood: depressed
watching: charmed
drinking: water
eating: the kitchen pantry
temp: 50 F

Im so close to finishing the new layout - the code is all done, I just need to finish the art. Ive been battling depression lately so its been slow. Updates I suppose... Im pretty sure my oldest rescue cat is in her final months. Her personality has changed and I can tell she is starting to detach while at the same time begging for attention like she knows something is wrong. Today she came up to me, sat in my lap and let me pet and sing to her, which is totally out of character. She struggled to get up from my lap and curled into a ball next to me and has been sleeping most of the day/night. Im not sure how old she is but I adopted her in 2014/2015ish and she was already middle aged. Other updates, no bites on commissions so far... not feeling very confident in selling my art. Feeling discouraged all together - and constantly worried. Still havent started my period in 2 months so Im worried something could also be wrong with me. Yet I dont have time to get checked out... that or I just dont care.

Stress

January 10th, 2022
mood: sad
watching: loki
drinking: coffee
temp: 51 F

World news has been depressing as fuck as if that isnt enough I gotta worry about home life too. Fights, relationship problems, dealing with my moms cancer while dealing with insurance to fix my jeep and not having periods anymore because I probably have cysts on my ovaries. What else? I feel at an absolute low and I dont know how to get up anymore, Im so sick of being in this spot all the time. Its mentally breaking me. I feel suffocated and weak. I just need a friend to help lift me up and take care of me like I do everyone else. Idk how much more I can take.

Hiatus?

January 7th, 2022
mood: depressed
watching: infinity war
drinking: water
temp: 52 F

Its been a hard past few days with ups and downs happening every 30 minutes, its getting quite overwhelming. I might be less active here for the next coming days because I have a lot of stress Im trying to deal with right now and emotions that I hopefully will work through. Started reading my DBT workbook and I know I need to *recognize* when Im having an episode or mood swing and positively work through it in the moment rather than letting it stagnate. When that happens I tend to sink, down and down like Im in fucking quicksand. So with that said, I may not respond to follows or comments right away but I do see and appreciate all of them. This website has given me hope there are others like me out there and use their creativity as an outlet, at least for me. Im happy to have met all of my fellow yesterwebers and neocities peeps, yall have given me happiness in my darkest hour. I hope all of you stay safe out there xoxo.

Pixels!

January 3rd, 2022
mood: joyful
drinking: coffee
temp: 36 F

Decided to do the flower challenge over at pixel garden mb. I drew this in about 45 min and chose snapdragons because they're really cool when you dry them upside down they look like little skulls. Also for those that are waiting for the new layout - its still in progress, a whole pixel layout was quite the undertaking lmao. But Im pretty excited to do pixel art again so here is a sneak peek!




Off to a Bad Start

January 2nd, 2022
mood: angry
watching: last man on earth
drinking: water
temp: 36 F

Well this year has already started out shit. Im focusing on healing and growing this year and not on bullshit petty fights. I dont know where this year will take me and I have a gut feeling it will be a year of conflict. Im wanting to go back to school in April but who knows if I will get distracted again and drop out. I WANT to change these things but I cant if you are always yelling at me and threatening to leave. I was reading my facefuck memories and one in particular stood out, stating it was a shitty year because one of my favorite orcas died. Oh I feel so much older now knowing what tragedies await me. My ovary is hurting and I am pretty sure I have a cyst but I wont find out until tomorrow. Bad thing after bad thing, somehow Im still here and I am somewhat grateful for that. On another note, Im looking at flights next week to go down to Texas. Ugh. Nothing I hate more than traveling. But I want to be there for my mom while she is going through treatment. I guess wednesday I will be taking my jeep into the shop so I will have a rental car and hopefully it will be fixed soon because that determines when I can leave for Texas. Meh.

Post Christmas

December 30th, 2021
mood: full
watching: 90 day fiance
drinking: vitamin water, power-c
eating: edamame
temp: 35 F

Christmas had its ups and downs (mostly downs) but overall Im just thankful to be healthy and have family, even if I dont get to see them very often. Which brings me to... Im going to Texas... AGAIN. I really would love to bring my mom up here but she has 2 follow up doctor appointments for her breast cancer. All right before her birthday. So, Im going back down to be there for support and help her move into my, now passed, grandmothers house. Im excited to see my family again and my brother who recently got out of prison. I havent seen him in about 2 years and while we arent very close, I still miss him. In other news, I found out most of my baby corydoras are bandits which will unfortunately be too big for my tank and my s/o refuses to let me upgrade my tank to a 30 or 40 gallon. So I found a friend through a friend who has a few 125 gallon tanks full of corys, so I know they will be going to a good home. Getting rid of all the bandits and my beautiful sodalis -sadface- and keeping all my pandas as well as my plecos and platys. In exchange for getting rid of some fish, Im getting ANOTHER tank - only a 5 gallon - for the bedroom and plan on putting a betta in there. Pretty excited to set it up, my friend is giving it to me for free along with everything! Pretty excited to go with her on Sunday to meet with a fellow fish enthusiast. Hoping we all have a meet up soon here in the Rogue Valley! I also became a supporter of neocities today in celebration of 50k views and 100 followers in just 2 months! Cant believe how many people have enjoyed my site, it makes me super happy! I love being a part of this community~

Heres a few pics from christmas: (we had several inches of snow the past few days)



Baby Corydoras!

December 23rd, 2021
mood: emotional
watching: its always sunny
drinking: sprite
temp: 40 F

As I sat down this morning to look over at my tank, I decided to do something about the murky water so I removed the bamboo from the HOB and readjusted the carbon filter in it so water would flow through it instead of beside it - oops. Added some prime and the fish seem a little less stagnant. As I was moving rocks around and picking out dead plant debris I saw something dart away and I was like, am I just hallucinating or did I see a baby fish? Sure enough, 5 minutes later I saw a baby corydora about 5mm long, cute as can be. I decided to set up my chair and camera and see if I could catch them on camera because boy are they fast to run for cover. I eventually managed to get some footage of them, what it looks like 2 panda corys or more and at least one bandit cory fry. I wont know until they get a little bigger and I can remove them from the main tank into my back up. Im beyond excited to find them right at Christmas! I estimate they are about 2-3 weeks old and that white spot I saw a few weeks back was most likely an egg from a spawning session. I just hope I didnt suck any up during the water changes between then! Heres to a new year, new life, and positivity. Life can be very hard at times but I always try to find the brightness in the little things it throws at us. Ive been very concerned about my mom and her recent breast cancer diagnosis so this is definitely something that has cheered me up and gotten me out of my slump. Happy holidays everyone, stay safe out there.



As if that isnt enough

December 20th, 2021
mood: angry
watching: family guy
drinking: hot cocoa
temp: 50 F

Too much shit going on lately I feel like losing my damn mind. Every day something else happens and its fucking overwhelming. Some old guy that shouldnt be driving ran into my parked car because he forgot to put it in park instead of neutral. Fucking asshole... just as if everything gets worse, it gets worse. Fuck I really need alone time to not worry about others more than myself, its wearing me thin.

What life throws at us...

December 19th, 2021
mood: worried
watching: ratatouille
eating: junk food
drinking: water
temp: 47 F

Its been one roller coaster of a year.. mostly down hills into depths I never thought I would see. I had a gut feeling something was going to happen this morning and then my partner has 2 grand mal siezures back to back within an hour. I did the best I can to keep him on his side and reassure him to relax and that I am here for him while he is semi conscious afterwards. Its hard to see, and care for, because of my ptsd and bpd. Ive experienced too much death and near death in my life and its a huge trigger for me. On another note, my mom got her christmas gift in the mail today from harry and david. I decided to treat her and get the expensive box of goodies. I still havent started my period, I am 10 days late and Im beginning to think its not coming at all. No pregnancy scare because of abstinence, but I am equally concerned about my body not functioning properly due to stress.

I did a thing... Yay

December 18th, 2021
mood: accomplished
watching: reruns
eating: goldfish
drinking: water
temp: 36 F

Today was a nice day although I woke up in a daze from some crazy aquarium dreams. Sounds weird, but all Ive been dreaming about lately is aquariums and rivers and streams with fishies in them. Watching the way they swim, their coloration, how they interact with other species that dont exist in real life. Its all very peaceful. Then I get dragged into another day of doing nothing. I decided enough was enough and got off my butt and made a nice dinner. Meatball subs with homemade italian meatballs (my first attempt). Wow did they turn out fucking fantastic! The key is making sure they dont fall apart while cooking. So we go to bed with full bellies and one week away from Christmas. Im excited but nervous because I miss my family so much it hurts. I couldve swore I saw my grandma in a reflection last night as I was watching shows on my tablet. Freaked me out for a minute for my brain to process it but I swear she was there with me, smiling.

Seaweed

December 17th, 2021
mood: hungry & tired
watching: my aquarium
drinking: water
temp: 43 F

It snowed yesterday. It was so light it didnt stick to anything though but I was still surprised to see us get any at all. We used to get 3 inches or more every winter... and now? We are lucky if we even see it in the mountains. I finally pushed myself to go to the grocery store today, after telling myself I would for the past 4 days. Very proud of myself for getting out of the house all by myself with no help. My mom has an appointment soon to schedule surgery and Im really freaking out about flying down there with my agoraphobia and anxiety getting on a plane (again) but she needs my support and I have to stay there a while to take care of her. I dont know how that will impact my life here in Oregon but my bf and his family is being super supportive. I just wish she wouldve been able to come up here before all this chaotic mess because I miss the hell out of her and I want her to be happy here with me. Life is throwing us blow after blow and I feel so weak and helpless with all of this.

Job update

December 14th, 2021
mood: conflicted
watching: harry potter 2
drinking: water & coffee
temp: 33 F

Got an interview with Harry and David today - went well I suppose but 4 other people are hiring for the same position and I know I always lose last. Its a 10 hr shift on my feet the entire time on a production line, full time with overtime. Dont get me wrong its probably a good paying job but I doubt its much more than minimum wage. Am I gonna really lower myself to that degree and suck it up cuz I need hella money or do I listen to my gut and pass this one? I dont know. Im getting too old for this shit and I just want a nice office job is that too much to ask??

Goodbye... for now.

December 10th, 2021
mood: depressed
watching: harry potter 1
drinking: water
temp: 43 F

Hey guys, so if you didnt see on my neocities profile, I am posting here on status update that my mom was diagnosed with stage 2-3 breast cancer today. I am taking a break from social media as well as neocities for a while as I travel my way back to Texas to support her during her treatment. Thank you so much for the well wishes, I appreciate the support more than you know! I love each one of you and hope to see yall again on here soon! I might occasionally post an update here and there if something major happens. Staying positive for my mom and myself, we got this!




Nightmares and Dissociation

December 8th, 2021
mood: worried
watching: austin powers
drinking: coffee
temp: 45 F

My mom has her biopsy today to screen for breast cancer and both her and I are freaking out. As you might know, I lost my grandma this year and now this. I cannot even begin to describe how depressed and hopeless I feel right now. Everyone is being super supportive though and I am trying to remain positive for my mom. I will probably be going back down to Texas to see her for her bday because I know she misses me terribly and vice versa. If its not one bad thing after another... I feel overwhelmed with feelings and I cant properly express them or let them out and I feel like Im about to explode. Hopefully seeing a therapist soon to work out some of this anxiety. Anyway, thats all I got for now.

Ups and Downs

December 5th, 2021
mood: conflicted
watching: last man on earth
drinking: vitamin water, tropical mango
temp: 39 F

Its been a rough couple of days, hence the no new blogs. But I am trying my freaking hardest to change things into a more positive perspective. We went out to eat last night at a sushi bar for a friends birthday and ended up in a fight on the way home. Had a nice day today though, went out to eat again and had a fun time at our favorite place. I am so thankful for the friends who express their love and concern for me, it makes me feel supported and not so alone. I just have to force myself out more. Easier said than done with my anxiety plus I had been withdrawing from xanax. Worried about my mom so we are trying to plan a trip for me to go down to Texas for a while to help her move and for her bday in support of her cancer. Ive had such a rough year and all I really want is to be around my mom. Time is precious and I have been gone for a very long time - almost 10 years - and we both miss each other deeply. I still believe Oregon is my home but I sure do miss my family now that Im a mature adult. Wish it wasnt so expensive to fly across country. I feel big changes coming to my life and I cannot tell if they are negative or positive, I just know something is about to happen, I can feel it in my gut.

Update

December 1st, 2021
mood: depressed
watching: archer
drinking: nyquil
temp: 42 F

I decided to stay on here for now because its the only thing that makes me happy at the moment and I really want to get into pixel art again. I made a teeny towers gif so go give it a look here and link me to your tower! Hit me up in the guestbook or chat :) find me on discord, please, I need friends really bad right now. a;sldkjfalskdjf im losing my mind

A not so cheerful holiday

November 30th, 2021
mood: depressed
watching: tales from earthsea
drinking: gatorade and nyquil
temp: 48 F

Suddenly got sick and had to miss my doctors appt (again) so Im delaying more health problems of my own as I get bad news from my mom. Due to personal reasons I dont want to express too much on here but I would ask good thoughts from anyone reading this, as I have already lost my grandmother this year and cannot afford to lose anyone else. I dont know what to do with myself so I probably wont be very active on here from now until the unforeseeable future. Im sorry. Stay happy and healthy yall, life is short.


Post Turkey Day

November 28th, 2021
mood: cozy
watching: what we do in the shadows
drinking: orange juice
temp: 52 F

Thanksgiving was nothing but chaotic and everything fell on my shoulders. Not doing shit for Christmas and after yeserdays fight, Im not getting presents either. Fuck it. So Ive been distracting my bad mood with pixels and finding new sites with hoards of new pixels. Been posting on tumblr more, even though Im this close to deleting my blogs because I feel too old and the new generation is just... ugh. I hate everything. Everything pisses me off. Move along and leave me alone. Welcome to my 30s.

Catfish

November 24th, 2021
mood: fed up
watching: beauty and the beast (1991)
drinking: coffee
temp: 32 F

So I was doing research last night about catfish and the different species that are in the freshwater aquarium community. I have one I adopted that is a mystery breed, however, I think I finally pinned down the species, Corydora sodalis and most likely a male. I also have two bandits, one female and one male and 4-5 panda corydoras. Plus the two plecos which are also a breed of catfish, one dwarf and one bristlenose. I've been out of prime for a week so their tank is getting really dirty becasue I need to upgrade my tank size with this amount of bioload. My plants are thriving and Im actually at the point where I can propagate and sell/trade the extra fern and swords. On another note, I started valium and so far I do not like the side effects, but at the same time it could be from weaning off xanax as well. Ive been having hallucinations and confusion as well as extreme anxiety. Im going to take it for a week and see how I feel after that then let my doctor know my decision. Anyway, I still need a name for my sodalis male, he's the largest in the tank besides waffles. Here's a pic to see the resemblence between him and another of his possible species. Fun fact: False network catfish are also so well known in Brazil, where they are from, that they are on their stamps!



Thanksgiving Menu

November 22nd, 2021
mood: tired
watching: bobs burgers
drinking: water
temp: 36 F

Been thinking about thanksgiving all day and what Im gonna make so I looked up the recipes and texted my bfs mom but so far it seems Im the only one whos willing to make most of the shit. Im a little irritated about the whole thing, all she got was a breast and green beans. Like how do you have a thanksgiving with that? I come from the south and we are very traditional when it comes to holidays and cooking with your mom and grandma etc. Well I dont have my grandma anymore and my mom is 2500 miles away. So Im biting my tongue about not even having a family and yet I want to share these traditions with someone ugh. Anyway, here's what Im making (since it will just be the 4 of us):

1. Broccoli Cheese Casserole
2. Homemade Cranberry Sauce
3. Cream Cheese Swirl Pumpkin Bread (baked in mini skull pans)
4. Crockpot Grape Jelly and BBQ Little Smokies
5. Twice Baked Potato Casserole


Thanksgiving Shopping (ew)

November 21st, 2021
mood: cheerful
watching: harry potter
drinking: coffee
temp: 38 F

So the time has come, the holidays are here and I have to rush to the store to get my ingredients for turkey day. Im making a simple broccoli cheese casserole (my own recipe and a big hit at the dinner table so this one is a must), twice baked mashed potato casserole, my grandmas BBQ weenies and pumpkin breads with a cream glaze. On another note Im worried about my tank being overstocked and need to either upgrade my tank or get rid of some fish asap because the ammonia build up is through the roof and I cant control it. Its been impossible to try and catch these platys with all the plant life so I dont know what to do at this point. Here's some pics of my new clown pleco which we named Clown Baby from Its always sunny, ha.



Coooooold

November 18th, 2021
mood: blah
watching: last man on earth
drinking: sprite
temp: 52 F

Went to my psych appointment today and it went pretty well. I got to talk about how bad my anxiety is, how I cant find a job and what I should do about it. So hes switching up my meds to half my xanax and start valium for long term anxiety control. Im also thinking about opening my own store on Etsy to help sell my crochet stuffed animals. I need to practice my advanced crochet but I feel comfortable enough to sew plushies. Hoping this will drive some kind of income for me because Im all out of options. Im also going to stop (or try) drinking. I down about a bottle of sake a night but so far its been 2 days. Did massive water changes today on both tanks but couldnt get the platys out of the main tank and into the backup because of all the plants so Im debating if I should even get them out or just wait until I get my 40 gallon tank and dump them all in there. But right now its too over crowded and ammonia is through the roof. Oof. Other than that its been a depressing and overcast day. I miss my mom a lot and I need to see her soon before I lose my mind. Its definitely not hard being 2500+ miles away from my family but at the same time this is my home now and I cant feel bad for chasing my dreams to find happiness. I feel somewhat selfish but moving out of texas has changed my life for the better.

New Fish!

November 17th, 2021
mood: happy
drinking: sprite
temp: 38 F

I picked up 6 new corydoras, 4 pandas and 2 bandits as well as a clown pleco today. Heres some quick videos until I can do a water change.



Surprise!

November 16th, 2021
mood: excited
watching: g4
drinking: sake n vitamin water
temp: 38 F

I have more exciting news for anyone who cares to read these things lol. Im sure I will posts a lot about it tomorrow so stay tuned. Hint, its fish related! because my life revolves around my pets and aquarium keeping is extremely addicting. Update on the corydora, hes doing just fine and Ive been doing lots of research on their behaviour and so far he is showing signs of being male and even mating with my larger female (who we thought was male). I have someone interested in the 7 platys I have so I can take in more but I have to make sure that quarantine tank is up and running properly. My lone tetra who I gave to a fellow aquarium friend finally put him in with other displaced tetras and he immediately perked up and we are waiting to see if he will eat again. We both wanted to cry at how lonely he was and how much of a difference it makes when you know your breed of fish and provide an adequate life for it. Other than that I applied at a place doing seasonal retail (ew) but they're offering a $500 sign on bonus so Im definitely trying to get on there before the holidays. Also if you play WoW, its the 17th anniversary so dont forget to log in to get that achievement!

New corydora

November 15th, 2021
mood: happy
watching: dune
drinking: sake
temp: 51 F

Just a quick update that the new layout is up and running. Most links have to be reworked but Im happy where its going. Just watched Shang Chi and had mediocre reactions about it. So we are gonna try Dune tonight. Ive been trying to stay off the computer as much because I need to catch up on chores and my journaling. I also picked up my new corydora last night and paired him with my lone female, also a rescue. They found each other almost instantly and have been schooling together ever since. Im quite happy it all worked out, as he was living in a 2 gallon with 8 other fish. Its been cold and rainy here, just how I remember Oregon was when I moved here. Cozy and happy.







Holidays

November 12th, 2021
mood: feelin good
watching: the holiday
drinking: water
temp: 56 F

The day started off shitty and turned around to be quite relaxing, which is a weird mix up for me cuz its usually the other way around. Staying in bed all day and cozying up with my cat and blankies while watching chick flicks while enjoying my coffee with funfetti creamer. Im 100% in the mood for christmas and my bf will not let me decorate until after thanksgiving haha. Understandable but I want to bake, I want to decorate, I want to be happy about something. So Im going to the store to get some ingredients for chicken marsala and pumpkin pie with cream ganache in my new skull pans I got. Going to make it a good weekend with a nice homemade meal and enjoy this lovely cold weather and fall colors. I wish I could feel like this all the time but I know it will fade eventually so Im enjoying it while I can.

I can't breathe

November 11th, 2021
mood: emotional
watching: antman
temp: 61 F

Always falling into a bottomless pit of depression and anxiety. Does anyone reach out? Nah. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like a different person and I hate this life she's made, like a hell that surrounds her; I'm always on fire. Death sounds so quiet and peaceful, will you take me there?
I CRY OUT FOR HELP DO THEY LISTEN? I want to give up. Idk where to express myself because all social media nowadays alerts people who are suicidal or having suicidal thoughts. SO WHERE DO I SHARE MY THOUGHTS? Please do not be concerned for me but I need to vent. Ive been feeling so low these past few weeks since I lost my job and the past year Ive been slowly (or rapidly?) losing friends and family. I cant get anyone to socialize with me, start a convo, engage with me. My bf is the only one here and the weight is too heavy. Im gon be alone til its finished. I just cant handle the stress - no money, no comfort, no saftey net, no comfort zone, no security, all I have is myself and my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I feel too much, then Im left with nothing. I cry sometimes, but Ive forgotten how to express myself. Im drowning. I dont like the life Ive made for myself and I feel like I made a mistake along the way. Where is my life? my family? my happy ending?

Oh wee lamb

November 8th, 2021
mood: longing
drinking: water
watching: brave
temp: 33 F

Woke up early today, or on time? due to the fall back which is a pointless thing anyway. Been neglecting my personal journal due to blogging here lmao. I feel like Ive been stuck in this loop where I do nothing, clean, sleep and repeat. Having no luck with job finding and its hurting me not only financially but emotionally too because I just feel unwanted at this point. Of cours my BPD doesnt help me feel any better. Im literally losing my mind and the only thing that will help is to see my mom again and for my family to visit me here because I feel so lonely in that regard. I miss my moms comforting sympathy and undying love. I cant afford to fly to Texas again this year though so the holidays are going to be super depressing this year. Im just about to lose my mind but something keeps me hanging on by a thread and its because of the love I have for you.

I'll wait for you, thats all I do

November 5th, 2021
mood: alone
drinking: coffee
watching: my life fall apart
temp: 48 F

Nothing like being bitched out first thing in the morning for not doing enough dishes while Im at home looking for a new job. I dont know what Im doing with myself anymore. Where am I going with my life? Is it something Im happy with? I wont know because these answers arent for me, they're for you. Apologize all you want but my heart is still breaking and my depression and anxiety has been the worst its ever been in my entire life. Im this close to losing it and ending my pain. I desperately want things to be like they used to be but I know deep down they never will be. We've been through too many hardships and obstacles that go unnoticed and discarded. I feel like my emotions are being smothered by your irritable rage.

Feelings

November 4th, 2021
mood: contemplative
drinking: coffee
temp: 58 F

I dont really know where to begin so this is just gonna be a long rant/vent with run on sentences because my mind is so scrambled I no longer think straight. Ive been in a relationship for 7 years now and its getting harder and harder to maintain happiness and healthiness in our relationship. Im desperately trying my hardest to work things out and I get shut down and silenced so Ive just become immune to it now. Im extremely depressed and losing faith that I will ever find happiness again. On another note, an aquarium friend of mine rescued another corydora for my lone one so he can have a friend now, as well as 5 neon tetras to accompany my one. They were all living with guppies and a betta in a 2.5 gallon... I have no idea how they survived but not an hour after being put in a new larger tank, the corydora was active and swimming about healthily. Im waiting a week to quarantine them until they are ready to be transported to my community tank in which I desperately need to clean. Ive just been so inactive lately and distancing myself from everyone that Ive lost all my friends and I feel like Im slowly losing my relationship. It hurts. Every day, every hour.

CHRISTMAS

November 1st, 2021
mood: sad
drinking: water
temp: 54 F

Well we had an uneventful halloween so naturally I wake up and its november 1st and IM READY FOR CHRISTMAS. I am ready to decorate, buy all the food preps for the holidays and look up new recipes to try this thanksgiving. Im in full festive mode. Had a rough day today, relationships are definitely hard work and god knows Ive been trying my hardest and its never seen. So we went for a drive today and now its cold and raining and I couldnt be more cozy in my bed right now. Thankful I live in such a beautiful place, I really take it for granted a lot. Going through personal struggles that arent being handled well and I dont know how much more stress I can take. Meh.



This is Halloween

October 31st, 2021
mood: spooky mulder
watching: my aquarium
drinking: coffee
temp: 59 F

Happy Halloween everyone! Hope you all stay safe tonight and wear a damn mask if you go out! In other news, Ive been working on my website quite a bit and added more pages as well as an updated look to the overall site. Getting rid of all the halloween stuff and making way for Christmas! Yes, I am that bitch and I have been secretly in the Christmas mood since mid October. Woke up this morning and noticed one of my tetras swimming oddly - upside down and sideways - so I unfortunately had to put him down with clove oil because of swim bladder disease and a bacterial infection. I dont knwo whats causing some fish to die but Ive narrowed it down to the gravel being unhealthy and not balanced properly despite having 0ppm ammonia/nitrates/nitrites. An aquarium buddy of mine is picking up some rescued tetras and a cory for me to adopt this week. I need to clean out the quarantine tank and deep clean the main. Panda/Adam West is gonna be soooo excited to get a buddy. I adpoted him alone although corys should be in schools. Everyone in the aquarium group knew I was looking for corys for that reason but its been hard to find them in the valley. Im cautious about adding them to the main tank and I really want to upgrade to 40 gal but my bf wont let me. As for halloween, we probably arent doing much and couldnt even afford candy this year so another halloween movie night it is! Watched young frankenstein last night and stayed up til midnight to celebrate. Havent been playing as much WoW but I saw they got a new cat mount that I want really bad. Making a page to for my main and some toons soon! Until then add me on realm Archimonde as Rasbora! (Horde)

Im No Good with Titles

October 29th, 2021
mood: indifferent
watching: what we do in the shadows
drinking: coffee
temp: 56 F

Woke up this morning feeling kind of depressed after last nights "talk". I dont know why I shut down but I hate it. I hate the way you make me feel so small and insecure. Im trying and you are blind to it . Thanksgiving is around the corner so I will be looking at recipes today although I am pretty sure I will just be making the classics - sweet potato casserole, broccoli casserole, and pumpkin bread (all my own recipes). I dont really have much else to say - although theres a ton of thoughts in my head, I just can never get them out . I really need to see a therapist that practices DBT as soon as possible to deal with everything thats happened in the past year. I feel so overwhelmed I cant think straight and I dont know what to do with myself. I miss my family and hopefully my mom and brother will be coming up to oregon from texas for the spring. I need to make a list of things to do while they are here too.

Spoopy Season

October 26th, 2021

mood: festive

watching: endgame

drinking: capri sun

temp: 54 F

It has been nice weather here lately - cold and rainy!!! Planning on getting a few pumpkins to carve this weekend since halloween is already coming up. Bought a new phone yesterday also which should be here by friday. I have been shopping online wayyy too much but I have nothing better to do than sit at home because the job scene is crazy right now. Everyone is hiring yet demand too much of their employees to even work there. I have been declined for a receptionist job at least 3 times now because I am LOOKING to get my foot in the door with office work rather than fucking retail. Im sooo past that now. Unemployment is still denying me for some bullshit reason that I didnt provide work searching (I did), and that I got layed off my last job because of misconduct. WTF. They told me they let me go because they werent hiring temps anymore and I would be the first they call if they were hiring again... so why did it show up as misconduct?! I was literally the hardest worker there and I feel like that was the ultimate slap in the face tbh.I hope their company falls apart because they clearly do not have their shit together. Meanwhile, I have been trying to get an appointment with a therapist because I deseperately need DBT and communication help. The last thing I want is my relationship falling apart after 7 years because I cant process criticism and dissociating is my only way of not breaking down completely. I have been trying to work on it at home but I need help understanding my emotions and how I project them. So yeah, thats kinda more importantly on my mind. Having a website/online blog again is really helping and hurting me. I get to express myself which is great, but I also spend massive amounts of time on the computer and its starting to get on my bfs nerves. But I cant help I go through phases of obsession where I completely deluge myself into new hobbies. Gonna try and go for a walk tonight in the cool, crisp air and get some exercise with my bae. Time for hoodies and hot cocoa!!

Some Days are Better than Others

October 24th, 2021

mood: buzzed

watching: its always sunny

drinking: whiskey and coffee

temp: 59 F

I woke up this morning to heavy winds and rain and it was so nice. A comforting feeling as we leave fire season here in Oregon and California. I have been having a hard time these past few days due to personal reasons but I am proud to announce that I was approved into the Yesterweb webring! Very excited to be a part of a new circle on the internet with other people with a passion for web building and coding. I am already in the process of making a new layout for Christmas and Spring! Its been a while since I have been creating in photoshop, so that is nice as well. I absolutely cannot wait to start making pixels, although they are time consuming (as is this website). I have been spending my days mostly on World of Warcraft doing covenant campaigns and acquiring gear sets. Its Hallows End as well so I have been trying to farm all the achievements I didnt get last year - about half way done! I havent even started decorating for Halloween yet because I have been so depressed and behind on house chores but hoping to change that this weekend.




Relaxing in the Rain

October 20th, 2021

mood: cozy

watching: harry potter

drinking: coffee

temp: 56 F

It has been nice and rainy the past couple of days and I must say I could get used to this again. When I first moved to Southern Oregon it rained every fall/winter all season long. Now? We get wildfires until early October and its usually dry until spring. I am really hoping this year it will be different. We just cant go much longer in this drought, year after year. And while I have been trying to enjoy my day, I cant help but feel a little sad for certain reasons and definitely not feeling any kind of chores today. WoW has been down all day because of a problem with their servers so another reason as to why I am updating my site so much today. Sucks cuz its Hallows End event right now and its only once a year! I really should get back to my crochet pumpkins and decorating for halloween. I have been so out of it I dont even feel excitement for it and I am already starting to get presents in the mail for Christmas.
Missing my mom and grandma a lot today. Wish I could be there for the holidays when my brother comes back home and be around my family again. I am really counting on them visiting in the Spring up in Portland for a while.


Something

October 19th, 2021

mood: depressed

drinking: vitamin water

temp: 62 F

I've been glued to my computer screen for the past few weeks and I have really let myself and my house go. I need to refocus on finding a job but this damn depression is kicking my ass. Anxiety is so bad I can barely leave the house and nothing is relaxing to me anymore. I dont even like journaling anymore because it feels like a chore to keep up with. Every day is a blur and I keep waking up thinking something will change but nothing will ever change as long as I am stuck in this cycle. I am trying to find a therapist to talk to and work through some personal problems at home but no insurance and lack of mental health in the valley is killing me. I just dont want to do anything anymore and ever since I lost my job I feel like I gave up. I dont care if I talk to anyone again, I just want to be alone in the woods for a while. I feel like I am suffocating.


Coming soon

October 17th, 2021

I have been doing a lot of browsing here on neocities and yesterwebs discord enough to be inspired to keep creating more sites and goodies for everyone who visits. I decided to redo the theme of my website and promote only pixel related things as well as a personal flair with a blog of course, because where would I be without my writing. It rained almost all day today and its been in the 50s all day - fall is here and I love it . I cannot wait until Christmas when I get my new tablet. Ideas or suggestions appreciated down in the chatbox!

New Mount!

Meh

October 14th, 2021

I finally got my site back up and running after neocities apparently crashed and deleted all my info along with other users. Life has been nothing but a downward spiral lately and I am literally reaching my threshold of how much crap I can take. On another note I started watching What We do in the Shadows and I have binged the first two seasons in one day. Not having a job is super. I have decided to put commissions on hold for now because of stress and managing life at the moment has been hard due to multiple factors. I am pretty sure I will be getting a new wacom tablet for Christmas so I will be able to start doing graphic design again along with digital art and pixels. I am pretty stoked to start drawing pixels, which is a dying art on the web nowadays.

Busy and Overwhelmed

September 25th, 2021

It seems like I’ve had nothing but bad luck over the past few months all starting when my grandmother died. Since then I haven’t had the time or desire to update hardly anything including my journal. I’m shutting in and starting to recognize that I am withdrawing from people and my own hobbies/relaxation. Enough to try to escape it before I go down a path I will sabotage and ruin. I am constantly worried about my mother and her health - including mental - that is not being addressed because she feels isolated and alone. I know I am partially to blame for this because I moved so far away. I lost my job as well, and while I only worked there for a couple of months, I still considered it my new home and I was comfortable with the new life and friends I had made there. I am deeply upset and angry but with that, there is a blessing in disguise. I am gardening more and tending to my aquarium and catching up on household chores. Something I had severely been neglecting. Matt’s shop also got robbed yesterday which will set his family back financially and mentally - but I am trying to remain positive and thankful nothing of significance was taken. Matt’s seizures are still a problem and he has finally made a follow up appointment to have an MRI and EEG next Friday. I am up to my eyeballs in stress and concern for others that I’ve been neglecting my own well being so that I may help the ones I love first. I’m forever thankful that in this moment I have all that I want or need in a significant other, in a mother, and as a friend. I just need to take the time to notice the little things and appreciate them while they are still here. Alas, nothing last forever.

Happy Autumn!

September 25th, 2021




Change

July 13th, 2021

ive been trying to get through losing my grandmother, as her final moments will forever be stuck in my head. one positive thing that came from her passing was leaving me with a chance to really change my life. so from here on, i will be working my ass off to save up for this cabin on property in southern oregon that she will ultimately be helping me obtain. forever my inspiration to keep my wild fierce spirit and never ever give up on my dreams to explore this beautiful country with strong independence.

New Job+

June 30th, 2021

I’m really excited to start this new job at a THC oil company. Its full time so hopefully I wont feel so burned out all the time. I had an epiphany today and I made a promise to myself - to better myself and my relationship so that it can grow into a lush garden of happiness and hope. I’m really focused on saving as much money as I can so that I can buy a house of my own. I’m so fed up with this townhouse we live in especially in the summer because the AC goes out all of the time. Record breaking heat wave here which reached to temperatures of 117 F and there is no hope for rain for at least the next two weeks. It really makes me think if buying and settling down here is something I really want. I want the dream of living in the woods away from society and being self reliant and sufficient of my own skills of living off the land. Cheesy, but I can’t do it without a good partner and determination - both of which I possess. I WILL make my dream a reality because life is too short and I am the only person in charge of my own life, no more holding back. Setting my own boundaries. Critical in my recovery of losing trust in everyone and myself.

Trip to Texas v2 2021

June 27th, 2021

I just got back from Texas for the second time this year already. I visited back in February to see my grandma and this time to see her again and go to her funeral. It was very sad but I couldn’t be happier I got to see her the day before she passed. With all that aside, my family feels kind of torn apart at the moment. I did get to spend a nice fathers day with my dad for the first time in years. We grilled steaks and jalapenos while I cooked the baked potatoes and sautéed mushrooms and onions. I wish I could be there more for my mom but I needed to come home and take care of life in Oregon too. I’m hoping I get this job next week so I can have some money again. I want to upgrade my tank to a 40 gallon with powder blue gourami’s so I did a deep clean on my tank today. Found more dead fish so I think that's why I’ve had some die because there were a good few rotting in the bottom. I also plan on getting back on WoW cuz I fucking miss that game and my guild.








Depression

May 28th, 2021

My depression has been kicking my ass lately and I feel like I am in a rut I will never get out of. I feel so helpless, so small, so insignificant. My feelings are always cowering in the shadow of yours and I can’t seem to budge. I hate the way my brain operates and I wish I could change it in the moment. I need therapy desperately before I give up forever. I’m trying so so hard to hang on but that thread is running thin and I feel myself slipping. I feel like a failure and an emotionally damaged person beyond repair. I’m coming to terms I will never have what I’ve convinced myself I want in life. I’m settling for a lesser person of myself and I hate it.

Life Changes

May 25th, 2021

I applied for a job today that unfortunately drug tests, even though cannabis is legal in Oregon. Alas, my addiction is put on hiatus because I’d honestly rather have this job paying $15/hr answering phone calls than getting high every night. I’m pretty stoked, even if I just land an interview, that I have the potential to work this type of job and finally get out of retail. This could be the sign I’ve been waiting for and the chance to change myself for the better. I got to talk to my grandma on the phone today and it was nice hearing her actually ask for me by name and her telling me how much she loves me. I didn’t cry this time and I was able to talk to her until she started resting her eyes. I miss my mom so much it hurts and I just want to be there for her during this hard time. I challenged myself to get up off my ass and do shit today - I took a shower, did some dishes, changed the main tank water and applied for two jobs. Hoping, just hoping, that something positive will happen soon.

Updates

May 25th, 2021


Updates on the new painting. I’m loving working with oils again.

Going Through the Motions

May 24th, 2021

It’s been a hard past few weeks with my grandma slowly slipping away and not being there for my mom. She needs me and I’m not there. I feel like a failure of a daughter. I’ve been so depressed lately all I do is drink and smoke until I feel numb. At least that’s the goal. At the same time, I feel torn. I moved here to start a life, and so far I haven’t been focusing on that. I used to be motivated and strong, what happened? I’ve become this person I never wanted to be, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m at a tipping point, if something doesn't change soon, I just might lose my mind.

Weekend

May 23rd, 2021

Had a weekend filled with ups and downs, as they always do. Ended it on a happy note with friends coming over and playing games on the new xbox. It was a great distraction from the fighting and grieving, which is all I’ve been doing lately. I finally got my themes to work though, which I’m happy about. One step closer to getting a domain. Still on that job hunt, feeling quite discouraged from lack of work and responsibility. I did enjoy painting today though. My aunt commissioned me for an 8x10 of an old horse painting I did years ago but in oils on canvas. Cant wait to expand my portfolio again with some actual finished art.

New Painting

May 23rd, 2021

I started on my horse painting last night after getting my new oil paints in the mail. I decided to get a few things of yarn to practice on new projects. really am struggling to find new work but I guess patience pays off eventually. Updated my pixel blog you can find here. I really need to practice my horse anatomy but I have already opened commissions for a few paintings. Was pretty depressed today so I napped the day away because I didn't have any motivation to do anything, even breathe. Went to run a few errands and it helped my mood.

Commissions and Updates

May 23rd, 2021

Decided to delve into complete nostalgia today. I had a dream last night about a moonlit garden and I had my own field of knee high grass to lay in while my flowers bloomed in the moonlight. I feel like the peace before the storm. I have that gut feeling something, anything, is about to go wrong and completely out of my power. Despite that, I'm trying to have a nice day of coding and refreshing my Russian on duolingo. Commissions are officially open for oils and acrylics only. Click here to view pricing and sizes.

First Post & Introduction

May 23rd, 2021

Decided to make a main template for my art and commission domain. Hoping I can find a url close enough to antikrist illustrations. Officially opening commissions for oil, acrylic and ink paintints/illustrations. Practicing my html/css for the first time in like a decade so hopefully my themes will only improve. Weather is rainy and cold, unlike the past few days which have been nothing but sunshine. Created a new instagram here to promote my artwork that I will eventually attach here.